I could let you all know why birds terrify me and why I feel the need to drop whatever I'm holding to flail like a fool. I could give you all a good laugh with some stories about red nail polish and why I will never, ever, ever use it again. I could tell you why I'm nervous about driving down Center Street NW in Calgary these days. I could give you an idea of why I'm scared to eat a pizza pop again. I could also dig deep within myself and tell you that I'm scared of dying without knowing what it's like to fall in love. None of these "fears" keep me up at night, however; nor do they cross my mind each day. Despite all of my little corky fears, there is only one thing that keep me tossing and turning at night.
I want you to be happy
When I was younger - in junior high and high school more specifically - I would wake up some days and feel really uncomfortable in my own skin. I would think I knew who I was one moment, but the next I felt lost. I know it's normal for teens to go through different phases to try and find out who they are, but I felt like I was having a harder time than a lot of people I knew. It was not so apparent in junior high, because everyone seemed to be go through the emo phase, the punk phase, the preppy phase, etc. I was one of those people who never really felt myself in any of these "styles," but kept conforming to what everyone else was doing in the hopes of finally feeling myself. By the time high school hit, everyone seemed to find their own niche. I, on the other hand, still felt awkward and lost in my own skin. That was one of the worst feelings anyone could ever experience. Screw broken hearts and hurt feelings . . . When you wake up and feel uncomfortable in your own skin, I promise you that you'd rather experience a heart break.
I was also one of those teens who completely rebelled against my parents, so although we are super close now it took years to build a proper relationship. The brunt of my rebellion was because of my own B.S. When I felt uncomfortable in my own skin, when I didn't know who I was and when I was angry at the world because of it, I took it out on everyone around me. I didn't feel that I could talk to my parents about it, so that made me even more upset. I always wanted a relationship with my mom like Rory and Lorelai from The Gilmore Girls, but just couldn't find the happy medium between my mom and I. I always promised myself that if I ever had a child, I would sweat blood in order to have a relationship like that. A relationship where my child never felt nervous to tell me something, no matter how shameful it was. No matter how mad they thought I would get, I never wanted them to feel the need to hide things from me.
Now that I have a little boy, my heart aches when I think of him waking up feeling poorly about himself. I never want him to think that he needs to be anything other than who he is and who he wants to be. I know it's inevitable that he will go through strange awkward stages where he just doesn't know what he believes and such, but I hope he is open with me about everything he is going through. Obviously every teen goes through a time where they don't want anything to do with their parents, but I hope he will come back to me and confide in me.
I want you to find out who you are and do it on purpose
I remember dreading going to school, because I was worried about what everyone was going to think about me - my hair, my make up, my clothing, etc. There was this one group of girls that use to make me feel like absolute shit every day. They didn't out right "bully" me, but their little whispers, the way they were so fake when forced to speak to me, the way they would look me up and down, and the way they would judge me without even knowing me really upset me. I would try to act like them, dress like them, talk like them, and it never worked. They still didn't give me the time of day. I used to go home crying, bottle it all up, and that hurt turned into resentment and anger. I never want my son to feel like he has to change who he is in order to impress people. It would break my heart if he ever sacrificed his beliefs, his style and his personality for people who aren't worth his time. I just want him to be happy and confident in who he is, what he believes, and what he wants to do in life.
"Baby, don't worry, 'cause now I got your back and every time you feel like crying, I'm gonna try and make you laugh. And if I can't, if it just hurts too bad, then we will wait for it to pass and I will keep you company through those days so long and black."
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